The Three-Fold Cord
I’m guessing I’m not alone in recycling paragraphs from old wedding homilies, adding material that is personal to the couple standing in front of me. One of the things I often say in the short sermon I give at a wedding is that the guests are there not only to celebrate, but also as witnesses – that they have a role in the marriage. The couple chose each other to marry but they chose us, as witnesses, and we are there to hold them, from that day forward, in our hearts and in our prayers. And then I remind them that there is another witness and a greater source of help. If the wedding is actually in the church, I might say something like, “These two people have chosen to get married here instead of in a bowling alley or in a junior high school gymnasium, not only because it’s somewhat more aesthetically pleasing, but also to turn our attention to that other witness. And even if we, in the pews and elsewhere in the room, fall down on the job of supporting them, God will not.”
Getting married changes a relationship. Being married is different from living together. If you are married, you know this. And if you are a person of faith, it makes a difference whether your wedding is in a church or performed by clergy. It makes a difference to make your promises before God. Sometimes I’ll tell the couple that God is the third cord in the three-fold cord that Ecclesiastes 4 says is not quickly broken. It makes a difference to feel that God is a part of the relationship.
The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals declared last week, “Proposition 8 serves no purpose and has no effect other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their family relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples” (http://www.ca9.uscourts.gov/datastore/general/2012/02/07/1016696com.pdf ). The Court concluded that the Constitution doesn’t allow that. I had the court’s opinion in mind last Saturday, when the Presbytery of the Redwoods voted to send two overtures dealing with same-gender marriage to our denomination’s General Assembly (an overture is something like a bill before Congress). One overture would allow Presbyterian clergy to officiate at the weddings of same-sex couples. The other would change the definition of marriage in our Book of Order so that it says “two people” instead of “a man and a woman.” Now, these changes in Presbyterian policy and practice would not involve “reclassifying” family relationships, as ours is not a situation in which rights have been stripped away from people who once had them, as was the case with Proposition 8. Nevertheless, the Presbyterian Church’s current policy communicates that the marriages of same-gender couples do not have equal dignity to opposite-gender marriages; that they are not equally sacred and are not equally blessed. To the rest of the world, it looks as though we intend to demean the status and dignity of this group of people, their relationships, and their families.
We know the consequences of communicating that people are “less than.” This past week each of my daughters, separately, sent me a Rolling Stone article about how the anti-gay climate in one Minnesota town has led to a rash of teen suicides (http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/one-towns-war-on-gay-teens-20120202). It is not far-fetched to say that depriving couples of the right to marry contributes to the treatment of gays and lesbians as second class, or worse.
The truth is that I have never, ever understood how gay marriage undermines straight marriage. I just don’t get it. I’m fairly certain that the only threats to my marriage are my pride and my anger and my laziness about commitment (and my husband’s but he isn’t here to defend himself so I’ll leave him out of this). Some of the best, most enduring, most monogamous relationships I’ve ever known are between two people of the same gender. But that isn’t why I supported these two overtures. I supported them because gay and lesbian people are equally human, equally children of God, should be treated with equal dignity and should have an equal opportunity to have their relationships blessed by the church, even if their relationships are no more ideal than the straight couples we marry – or no more ideal than our own.
We all need – and deserve – that third cord.
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